I wonder......

If things were just kinder and  had given me enough time to think well when making major decisions....it could have been better. What might have happened then? What might have been its effect in my life today...I wonder.

Well, of course, future will always be vague and unpredictable.  Wether we'll thank for it or regret it, the need to go thru life first to get a touch of reality.   Now I realized that life is not all glory but equally all pain. Or might be, just mine. I've tried looking back at the phase where I could have made a difference and swerved my path against misery. If only I was able to re-align my fate, genuine smiles and happiness are now with me.  My state of mind is who am I today but never the life I live as I am bound to suppress personal thoughts coz I belong to the mass.. I wonder what my life could have been if I was more wiser, more sane and stonger then. Am I heading this way still?....I wonder........

How Can I be true to myself?

Have you been in a situation wherein you just needed to go with the flow because it is whats supposedly to be right. Everyday routines done and even perfected....normal as it is but in my solitude, pain in my heart is unbearable.  Wanting to be freed and be heard but to no avail.  I still don't have enough strength to face the consequences awaiting for me with that truth. Tears, in discreet flows,  are my haven. God is my listener and a very dear friend is my consolation.  How will I ever hold on to this? That I dont know.



Liar! That first comes out in my mind as I write this blog.  I am not as you see me as I am.  As a person, I am a happy mom, a happy colleague and very much a happy friend but deep within, there's a hidden turmoil inside of me.  A reality that I cant let go coz letting it go would mean hurting a lot of people.  But for me, this is my great sacrifice for  the greatest love of my life, my only son. 

Move Forward

I want my life back!!! Normal, colorful, full of fun, valuable, achievement driven, hopeful and sensible.

'Should've thought of the decisions made a million times.  'Should've been sane and focused. Though regret has no space now.  Only moving on.  Draw a trail, the right one and never look back.  There is still ample time to reach what I've been dreaming of.  There is still time to gear my life to the road I should have chosen then.  Tripping isn't an end but a challenge to push harder for us to attain the goals we are aiming for.  It is unfair to be tied up with miseries. Fall, learn and stand.  We need to keep on moving on.

Trapped Within

I don't know why my mind rebelliously freeze.  My heart pumps with pain.  Emotions been too low. Everything seems to be falling apart.  Seeking peace in my mind and soul.  Yes, I need peace because I am deeply troubled.

Alienation is what I want at this moment.  Or a trip back on my past to re-align my thoughts.  To correct the path I chose and the mistake I've made.

My mind is clouded with blurred hopes, of undrained "what if's" and immeasurable dreams.  IF ONLY I CAN TURN BACK TIME.